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5 reasons why long nails are stupid

Yesterday at 2:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. I entered a Nail Establishment, and proceeded to attach long, green, acrylic nails to my own nails.

Putting on the nails.
Choosing the right size nails

 

Adding the nails.
Attaching the nails.
Painting the acrylic nails green.
Painting the acrylic nails green.

 

Drying the nails.
Drying the nails. 

 

This morning when I woke up at 5:00 a.m. I started to count down the time until I could drive to the same Nail Establishment and get my nails removed. I was parked in front of their store at 9:50 a.m. and waited for them to open.

Nicole Ritchie was on the Today show while I was soaking my fingers in acetone. The TV was on the back wall of the nail salon. The sound was off but I could see Ritchies’ long, red, fingernails clearly. I was soaking my fingers in acetone to remove the long, green, acrylic, finger nails I had put on yesterday at 2:30 p.m Eastern Standard Time.

soaking my nails in acetone

The green acrylic nails were on my fingers for twenty hours, 29 minutes and 12 seconds.

Nicole Ritchies’ nails appeared to be longer than the green nails I was removing. She wasn’t wearing  long nails to be a witch in a play. She was living her normal life walking around with long fingernails. Does Nicole have someone tie her shoelaces and button  her coat?  Does she wear slip on shoes and pull overs?  Can she wash her own dishes and open a jar of pickles? How does she put gas in her car, or clean a litter box?

Long nails are not just impractical. They are stupid.

The decision to wear long nails is stupid. Stupid as Merriam Webster defines it:  marked by or resulting from unreasoned thinking or acting.

I was stupid yesterday.

I thought it would be fun to have long, green nails to look more like The Wicked Witch of the West in the play  Dorothy Meets Alice. Tonight at 8:00 is Opening night for the play. You can order tickets here if you would live close to Telford Pennsylvania, and want to laugh a lot. Performances are at 1:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. on Saturday March 9th, and Sunday March 10th, 2013.

Last night I couldn’t tie up my own black pointy boots, and I had to ask a mom to button my long underwear. It was also hard to hold on to my broom when I was flying with the monkeys.

During the 20 hours and twenty minutes and 12 seconds I had long acrylic nails I found:

5 Reasons Why Long Nails Are Stupid

1. If is hard to hold your keys when you  open your front door.

nails 023

 

2. You can’t button your coat. You will need a personal assistant to button your coat.

I couldn't button my own coat.

 

3. You can’t tie your own shoes.  How can I wear my red converse if I can not tie them?

I couldn't tie my own shoes.

 

4. It is hard to pick your nose discreetly.  Dark green nails shoved up your nose are hard to hide.

You can not pick your nose discreetly.

 

5.  It is impossible to type faster than one minute an hour. I felt like a duck trying to type this morning.

Long nails are stupid.

 

 

Hallelujah

I have my own nails back now.

I have my own nails back now. I am delighted

I am delighted.

I just realized I may have called some of my readers stupid.

Maybe it is me who is stupid. Now I have to clean out the litter box, button my own coat, and tie my own shoes.

If you have long nails. How do you do it?

Please tell me in the comments. I would love to chat.

The Slice of Life March writing challenge.

You can read more Slice of Life stories from Two Writing Teachers March challenge here.

About Pamela Hodges

My name is Pamela Hodges. I am a writer and an artist. I write to encourage and to bring laughter. I paint cats, draw cartoons and write books for children and grown ups.

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  • Amanda

    I feel like you are just not used to long nails.I can do all of the above with longer nails than the ones pictured. Just like anything, you have to be used to them. Girls who wear heels can do a lot of things better than a girl who just put them on. Your logic is lacking.

  • Mindy

    I think having naturally long fingernails are much better than fake ones. Usually, women like me who have strong fingernails can pull this off. Ideally, 1/4 inch (of the white part) is the most comfortable max length. This is how long my nails are right now and it never causes problems like buttoning a shirt, typing on a keyboard, or even when trying to pick nose (haha).

    However, on the other hand, trimming fingernails way too short is a lot more difficult to manage. The other day, I accidently broke a fingernail on my thumb so I had no choice but to trim it very short. I couldn’t even puncture a banana with that thumb! I don’t know about you guys but I think very short fingernails are stupid and ugly. Unless there’s a good reason for it. A coworker of mine have very brittle fingernails that she was not able to grow it long enough. She has no choice but to trim it as short as possible to avoid losing a nail. It was that bad for her. It’s amazing she seems to manage it somehow because I can’t imagine being unable to fiddle with something without reasonably long fingernails.

  • Lily Kayser
  • Emma Johnson

    Put glove garlic in clear polish, leave it in the dark for 7 days and it make mails strong and grow fast … Trust me it works!!

  • melina

  • Talkingtree

    I loved your post. The desire to have long fingernails is something I just do not get. I repair instruments with my hands, play guitar and drums, am fairly active—there’s no way I could do my job without short nails. Hands with opposable thumbs are one of nature’s most awesome tools–our tool-making abilities have as much to do with our success as our large brains. Why would anyone want to limit them or make compromises in their access to the feeling in their finger tips or speed of their dexterity is beyond me! I have yet to find a tool in the workshop that equals the flexibility of the human hand in it’s clamping ability. Not to mention the utter creepiness of more opportunities for nail injuries—- I sat next to a woman on a plane recently who had a mishap checking in with her long nails–caught one on something and broke it down to the nail bed and was bleeding and trying to bandage it and whining about how much it hurt. No thanks!

    • http://www.ipaintiwrite.com/ Pamela Hodges

      Dear Talking Tree,
      I agree with you, why would anyone want to limit their ability to use their hands. Playing drums and the guitar beats showing off color on the ends of your fingers.
      Egad, I hadn’t even considered what would happen if a nail ripped. Another good reason to not have long nails.
      I will continue to button my own coat and pick my nose discreetly. Thank you for your comment.

  • http://www.facebook.com/charletta.barringerbrown Charletta Barringer-Brown

    Long nails are generally grown out to the length so that you adjust to them. Only a dummy would start with a longer than normal set of nail tips
    .

    • http://www.ipaintiwrite.com/ Pamela Hodges

      Charletta, I was a dummy. I admit it.

      • Christa Sterken

        They were long and pointy, for a play! A bit unconventional, but dummy? What is that we tell our kids about nice words or none at all?

  • Jaana

    Way funny; well except for the pain afterwards. I tried once those long fingernails from drugstore. They didn’t last very long. I would find them floating in the dishpan or the sink. Had to take them off. Didn’t want to find any extra nails in my chicken soup!

    • http://www.ipaintiwrite.com/ Pamela Hodges

      Fake nails in the chicken soup wouldn’t even add protein.

  • http://lostinliteracy.wordpress.com/ tezzie828

    Love your point of view! You’re quite convincing. While I generally keep my own nails on the longer side, it is very different having acrylic nails on- they do make it almost impossible to go about your daily routine. I enjoy painting my own nails, until about day 3, when the polish has already started to chip off.

    • http://www.ipaintiwrite.com/ Pamela Hodges

      Thank you. I use to paint my own short nails, but I felt like they couldn’t breathe, so I always took it right off.

  • http://tmsteach.blogspot.com Tara

    I have never had long nails, and never understood why they were considered attractive. Also, I would hate to tote around a personal assistant to button/ unbutton my coat, tie my laces, unlock my house…or pick my nose. But, I hope yiur performance is a big success and that you have a glorious time!

    • http://www.ipaintiwrite.com/ Pamela Hodges

      Thank you Tara, I had fun being a witch with short fingernails.

  • http://kathleencaron.com Kathleen Caron

    You go girl!

  • http://drferreri.blogspot.com/ anita

    You had me laughing for your reasons FOR and against those nails! I stick to clear nailpolish and short – natural nails! I hope your play is wonderful and wish I was closer so that I could attend.

    • http://www.ipaintiwrite.com/ Pamela Hodges

      Thank you Anita. I wish you lived closer as well. The play was fun and I could tie my own shoelaces.

  • http://gravatar.com.katinavaselopulos katina vaselopulos
  • http://reflectionsontheteche.wordpress.com Margaret

    I wish I could pack up my magic broom and fly on over to see your play tonight. Sounds like fun. Good luck!
    Your post was hilarious. I loved the discreet nose picking picture but don’t tell any of my students. I won’t let them use the word fart in their posts. I actually have very nice nails. They look like a French manicure naturally. When other women admire my nails, I say, “God gave some women boobs. I got nice fingernails.” Don’t tell my kids I used the word boobs either.

  • http://www.pinkieup.com pinkieup

    I agree with you – the last time my husband and I were at the DMV the woman assisting us had nails that were, no joke, at least 4 inches long. It was ridiculous! She couldn’t even pick up a piece of paper. We were trying to hard to keep a straight face as she struggled, like Edward Scissorhands or some crane game machine to hand us our paperwork. Stupid.
    Well written

  • http://Www.mainelywrite.blogspot.com Donna

    No long nails for me! I don’t even like nail polish. There are more fungal growths associated with nail polish and acrylic nails…not healthy to use!

  • http://jessicawhitmore.com Jessica
    • pamelahodges

      Yes,it is always fun to dress up and be pampered. I am just back from the play, and my pampering right now is to wash off the green paint.

  • Elsie

    I love the look of fashionable long nails, not the obscenely long ones, but alas they are not for me either. I tried acrylic nails for about six weeks one year. Here’s another reason to add, you can’t scratch an itch adequately. It does not relieve the itch, too soft. I also hated how it ruined my real nails. I’ll say it again, break a leg tonight.

    • pamelahodges

      Thank you Elsie. I would rather break a leg than my finger nail.
      My real nails are sore today. After I came home from getting my nails off I realized why they hurt. The woman who did my nails sanded off my nail beds almost to the soft tissue underneath my nail bed.
      I drove immediately back and got a full refund.
      No one messes with The Wicked Witch of the West.

  • http://www.ipaintiwrite.com/ Pamela Hodges

    Scott,
    Lets be fair.
    Go today and get your nails done. Long, acrylic nails. Wear them for a week, and then lets talk.
    Oh, you may call my nails hideous. But don’t insult the people who comment on my blog. I deleted your other comments.