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9 Reasons why you don’t have any friends

Why you don't have any friends.

Why don’t you have any friends? I would like to be your friend, but sometimes you make it hard for me to get to know you. Sometimes you are mean to me, or you don’t listen when I try to talk. Do you know what a friend is?

According to the The Random House Dictionary of the English Language, the unabridged edition,  a friend is:

1. A person attached to another by feelings of personal regard or affection.
2. A person who gives assistance.
3. One who is on good terms with another, not hostile.

Do you want someone to listen to your stories, invite you for coffee and bring you chicken soup when you are sick? Is that just not happening for you right now? Maybe you don’t have any friends because you are not showing affection, giving assistance or being hostile.

Here are 9 reasons why you don’t have any friends.

1. You can’t be trusted.
You betray what was said to you in confidence. When your neighbor told you her oldest son still wets the bed, did you tell your daughter, and then she told all the children on the street?

2. You gossip.
You talk about people behind their back. Remember what your mother told you: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

3. You don’t listen.
When you are at a social event, you only talk about yourself. You don’t listen or ask questions. When there is a pause in the conversation you try to draw the attention back to yourself.

4. You don’t share.
You have house parties once a week, inviting people to buy spices or baskets. You never attend anyone else’s house parties. You never invite anyone to your home unless you want a free basket or a discount on baking supplies.

5. You never smile.
You always look grumpy, you never make eye contact, and you are always checking your phone when someone is trying to talk to you.

6. You whine all the time. 
If someone asks you how you are, you take the opportunity to complain, “Just awful. My back hurts. It is cold outside. The cat barfed on the carpet again.”  Your glass is always half empty. You don’t know how to love the life you have and enjoy what is in your glass right now.

7. You hide from people.
It is hard to be your friend because you always hide in the back of the room and you won’t talk when spoken to.

9. You are crabby.
I mean you are really crabby. You are full of anger. People are scared of you. It is hard to be your friend because of your rage.

If you have read this far, I assume you would you like to have a friend. I know that I want a friend. I want someone to listen to me. I like coffee and chicken soup always tastes better when a friend makes it.

I know why you don’t have any friends because I didn’t have any friends either. When we moved to Pennsylvania two years ago I hid in my basement and whined. I painted black paintings and was full of anger. I wasn’t kind to anyone and I sat in the back of the church with a frown on my face. I didn’t talk to anyone and I looked unapproachable. If you talked to me, I would have told you how I missed California and hated it here.

I didn’t think about anyone but myself.

And then I remember something I had read.

The only way to have a friend is to be one.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I made a friend by being a friend. I  listened to someone’s story, invited someone for coffee and  I took someone chicken soup. I became trustworthy. I stopped gossiping, started to listen, shared my toys, smiled, quit whining, stopped hiding and quit being angry.

Drinking coffee alone.

How do you make friends?

I would like to be your friend. Would you like to meet for coffee?


About Pamela Hodges

My name is Pamela Hodges. I am a writer and an artist. I write to encourage and to bring laughter. I paint cats, draw cartoons and write books for children and grown ups.

You are an artist. Yes, you are. Really.

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  • Yehn

    I have been always shy but I was always friendly, and had a lot of friends, then I finished college and started working I made good relationships with people there but nothing really deep, cuz as you said I hide, and I always prefer to be by myself with my family.

  • Melissa Wheeler

    I have been shy in social scenes my entire life, I am probably the one sitting in the back. Some of the reasons were the reasons you listed above above people didn’t seem like people I would want to talk to. I would say hello and they would start complaining about their day. And I didn’t know what to say but I’m sorry to hear that. But complaining is one of the reasons its hard for me to make friends. I just for once would like to have fun! and Enjoy a good cup of coffee and relax

    • Melissa,
      I hope you can find a friend to have a cup of coffee with, enjoy each other’s company, have fun and relax.
      Sometimes the people you don’t notice at first make the best friends. And sometimes you meet people by serving as a volunteer, because you forget your are shy when you are serving people.
      Thank you for stopping by and commenting Melissa. I hope you found time today to enjoy the sunshine and smile.

  • Pamela, I find it very hard to believe that you felt friendless as you seem so friendly and approachable. I’d love to have coffee together. Though it may have to be a virtual one. Raising my virtual mug to you now in a toast. You’re a lovely person I’m delighted to know via the writing/blogging community. Here’s to love, laughter, friendship, faith and fun in equal measure! 🙂 xx

    • And I raise my virtual mug to you Joy.
      I felt friendless because we had just moved. My friends were miles away and I felt lonely. By serving and being kind to others, I found new friends after I started to smile more.

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  • Ralph Waldo Emerson must have read his Bible. This post reminded me of the verse:
    “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24

    I’d love to have coffee with you, Pamela.

    • Me too Anastacia. I would love to have coffee with you.

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  • GirlGriot

    I’m so looking forward to meeting you for coffee, Pamela!

    • Me too Stacey. We will talk for hours. And I will pet your cats.

  • Iya Hannum

    Pamela, if we had the same waitress, I think she just looks at everyone funny- or maybe only homeschooling Mom’s… or Mom’s who hang out at her table for 2 1/2 hours, like we did. Once we plan a range ‘date’, we’ll have to talk a bit about a very lovely place I know of to pick strawberries!

    • Yes, a range date. Sounds wonderful. And strawberries sounds even better.

  • It is so important to reach out to people in friendship, like you said, Pamela. Everyone has some hurt that they are bearing. Yes, I’ll meet you for coffee. I’m in WI but I have two sets of kids in State College! Blessings, Amy

    • Hello Amy. Yes, everyone has some hurt. I would love to meet you for coffee. Blessing to you as well.

  • Pamela, I would love to meet you for coffee!

  • Pamela, I’m so sorry you had a rough time upon your arrival in PA! More importantly, I am happy you have found happiness there now. 😀

  • Lovely post, Pamela. So proud of you for becoming friendly! If I hadn’t known these or others of your honest words, I would’ve never known you used to be crabby. Beautiful to hear the power of God at work in your life through your testimony!

    How do I be a friend? I pick up the phone and make a fast call to a friend. Usually while hiding in the laundry room or bathroom. I’ll send a “thinking of you” text and/or engage throughout the day in a text conversation. Or ask a follow-up question to a friend who has shared openly with me. I do enjoy surprising my friends with a little thing–like a mini loaf of Pumpkin bread, a bottle of mineral water, or pretty paper napkins. Praying together is glue for friendship, I think. And letting my friends really see me–like enter my home when it is messy. Or share candidly the areas I am personally struggling. I’ve been thinking about this for a week . . . It’s been too long! I need to invite my friend over here for “Messy Coffee.” Your post nudged me to act. I e-mailed my friend this invitation. Wonder if she and her kids will be able to visit with me/mine for one hour, 9-10 in the morning this week? Yep. When breakfast overtakes my counters and the tornadoes start blowing. 🙂 If you lived in TX, I’d bring you chicken soup and invite you over for “Messy Coffee.”

    • I would love to come for “Messy Coffee.” I hope your friend can come to your house this Thursday. If you ever are in the area to see The Liberty Bell, I will invite your family for “Messy Pancakes.”

      • Pamela! It happened. Wednesday morning. My friend and her three kids accepted the invite.

        As it turned out, we shared “Messy Coffee and Tea.” The Littles thought it wise or at least fun to set the game room floor for High Tea.

        Caught my baby at the sink about to fill the (breakable) green and pink floral kettle with, “Great idea! Hand that kettle to Mommy and we’ll have a tea party!”

        Such a rich time. Heart-to-heart. Shared old stories and told new tales of how God is growing us.

        Thank you for the nudge, nudge. So glad I took time for tea and friends. 🙂 Truly, God used your post to turn my good thought into a friendly invitation text.

        And I do so love pancakes. Especially buttered and topped with fresh berries, chopped pecans, and real maple syrup. “Messy Pancakes” with Pamela to fill bellies before visiting The Liberty Bell–just swell. 🙂

  • Elsie

    I think we are friends, even though we can’t meet up for coffee. I’m glad you changed so you could make friends. They will support you when you need them, if they don’t they were a person pretending.

    • Hello Elsie. I consider you my friend, even though we have never met. You were the first person to subscribe to my blog. My friends here have been supportive. Now I just need to find a friend with a strawberry patch.

  • Jaana

    It seems to be harder to make friends when you get older. I have made coffee and shared a coffee shop table many times. Maybe next time I will take pictures. Just committed to cooking Easter dinner so that a friend would have a place to go after his mother passed away. Your posts about friends are so important. I too, will make sure to stop by for coffee if I am ever on Pennsylvania. P.S. Welcome to Michigan for coffee:)

    • I find it hard to just sit and drink coffee. I would rather build a fence or weed a garden. But I would love to have coffee with you in Pennsylvania or Michigan.

  • Iya Hannum

    I know I don’t comment very often, but know that I read every single post. And, I know where that table is- I sat there last Wednesday with a dear friend & worked through some very hard stuff- we came up with the phrase, “what is said at the purple table, stays at the purple table”, and it was a good thing. I may not be able to meet you for coffee, but am still up for a girls’ night at the range 🙂 By the way, the chicken soup was delicious.

    • Iya, I thought you might recognize the table. The waitress was looking at me funny. I took a lot of photographs of my coffee cup for this story. I can hardly wait to shoot some targets and make you some more salt free chicken soup. 🙂

  • We are truly on the same wavelength. I was going to write a post on friendship (with definitions), but from a different slant. I think having coffee with you would be refreshing. The next time I pass through the great state of PA up to NY, I’ll look give you a buzz. 🙂

    • I would love to meet you Shelley and I can hardly wait to read your article on friendship.

  • I sure would like to meet you for coffee, let me start driving now!

    • Kathleen, coffee always tastes better when you share a cup.

  • Julie Crocker

    Would also love to have coffee or soup! I agree with everything you’ve said in this post. Here’s the thing though – I’ve followed this advice diligently – for decades – made adjustments when needed – all to no avail! I am truly at a loss. But, thanks for the reminders.

    • Julie, I will be your friend. And I will be thinking about you all day, praying for someone to ask you out for coffee. And I will pray that you will see someone who is sitting in the back row with a grump on their face, who needs you to ask them for coffee.

  • Loved this.

  • Darlene Mitchell

    I would absolutely LOVE to have coffee with you……this is a wonderful piece. I was thinking of writing something similar, but couldn’t quite get it together in my mind. You did it perfectly……and the best advice ever:-)

    • Darlene, I would love to have coffee with you too. Thank you for the encouragement. Oh, and the best way to get an idea together is to write it down. My mind is always a muddle until I start typing.

  • Lotta Wanner

    I would LOVE to have coffee with you! 🙂

  • Such good advice.

  • Beautiful. And so true.