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12 ways to drive your children crazy

How to drive your children crazy

What is your purpose as a parent?  Do you  want to drive your children crazy? Do you want to  exasperate them? I know how to drive children crazy.  I have three of them. I drive my children crazy at least once a day.

I thought I had this whole parenting thing down, but I could only come up with four or five ways I was not parenting well. My children helped me write this list. It seems I need to have a parenting make-over. I would like to have content, sane children who love and respect me.

12 ways to drive your children crazy


1. Don’t be consistent. Yesterday you let them stay up until midnight but tonight you want them in bed at 8:00. Get mad about it too.

2. Don’t apologize. You did something wrong, but don’t say you are sorry. You make them apologize but you don’t have to.

3. Do as I say not as I do. Make a lot of rules, but don’t follow them yourself. You are above the law. Tell your children to obey the speed limits when they drive and then speed yourself.

4. Keep talking about things after they get the concept.  When you give advice use several examples and don’t ask if they understand. Repeat yourself and hammer in the point; lecture don’t listen.

5. Make weird noises with your mouth. Chew your food with your mouth open and use your thumb instead of a knife to push food onto your fork. After you eat, suck the food out of your teeth.

6. Never make food. Buy frozen pizza and toss it on the table, or feed your children cereal. Don’t take the time to make a nice meal.

7. Get offended about everything.  Take everything personally. When you child says something that hurts your feelings don’t say anything, just walk away.

8. Cry in front of your children’s friends. Be really emotional and share your deepest feelings. The best time to do this is at youth group when you pick up your daughter.

9. Ignore your children. When they ask you a question keep typing on your computer and hopefully they will go away so you can finish reading the news.

10. Unfair Punishment. Punish one child for an offense, and when another child does the same thing don’t punish them. Be inconsistent and don’t make an effort to be fair.

11. Make the children clean up after themselves.  Hold them accountable and make them clean up the milk they just spilled.

12. Never be on-time. Arrive late to pick them up at school and don’t apologize. See #2.

Study this list. Memorize it. Then do the exact opposite if you don’t want to drive your children crazy.

I wonder what I will make for supper tonight? I am all out of frozen pizza and cereal.

How do you drive your children crazy? Can you add to my list? 

Please tell me in the comments, I would love to chat.

About Pamela Hodges

My name is Pamela Hodges. I am a writer and an artist. I write to encourage and to bring laughter. I paint cats, draw cartoons and write books for children and grown ups.

You are an artist. Yes, you are. Really.

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  • amy

    this is very bad. everyone gets a life once. u r spoiling the childrens childhood and very bad example as a parent

    • Amy,
      This list is suppose to be a bad example. I only do a few of the items on the list, # 4 and # 5. I love my children and apologize when I make mistakes.
      Thank you for commenting.
      You are so right. These are good examples of BAD parenting.

  • Funny, Pamela, thanks for this list. Enjoyed reading the comments, too.

    @ Chris Morris My dad beat me at every game, too! LOL Now my husband is the victor. The first time I actually won a game, well, let’s just say there was awed surprise and possibly excessive celebration.

    Pamela, to answer your question, I just conducted a quick Survey Monkey of my kids. It returned a couple sarcastic answers:

    “I don’t like it when you ground me for life?”

    “Mommy, will you give me a spanking?”

    “Your breath stinks. You have something red in your teeth.” (My aside: just drank coffee. And ate beets.)

    The wide, brown-eyed boy hugged me, “Mommy, I don’t like it when you give me a spanking. ‘Cause they hurt.”

    Will have to poll them again when they’re adults. I’m confident they’ll list annoying things. The question is this: but will, when they manage my grand kids, repeat crazy Mommy?

  • Every single time you play a game, win. Then rub it in with mockery

  • Ditto with everyone before me!

  • I love this! You have so much to draw material from, toilet seats, cats, and now your children. You will never run out of material. I love that you are so funny. I need funny. We all do.

  • I think you covered them all. I don’t think there is anything I could possibly add to that list. But I will say, my children don’t like it when I am sarcastic with them. It hurts their feelings.

    • Once I was bantering back and forth with sarcasm. We just kept volleying our witticisms over the net at each other. What I found out later was what someone who didn’t know me thought. My little funny-isms were heard as critical and biting. So, I stopped using it.