i paint i write

Live boldly, laugh and make art

Today’s word is beautiful and all I can think about is the word ugly

Ugly is the word I am thinking of

Write for 5 minutes flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing with Lisa-Jo Baker at Five Minute Friday.

The word I am supposed to write  about today is beautiful. There is no beauty in my brain today. Ugly, is the word I am thinking of. Carpet stains and dog hair. Cats that vomit grass and seven litter boxes to clean.

Where is the beauty in my world? I can’t see it. I know the sun is shining outside; I know there are flowers in my garden. My children are beautiful, but I don’t see any of it.

My spirit is underneath the carpet, smothered in mold, dust and rot.

Ugly, is the word I want. Under the carpet  is where I feel safe, and warm in the dirt. Beauty is for other people. I was never beautiful, I was cute. The girls with the small nose are beautiful. The women on television are beautiful. My nose is not tiny.

There is no beauty in my world.

Flowers and sunshine and tender moments.

I am angry and ugly, and I don’t care. Beauty is not in my world.

That is a lie. I do care. I want to climb out from under the carpet and feel the sunshine on my face. Hold someones hand and feel loved. There is only one who has always loved me. There is only one who sees me as beautiful. The one who sees me in the dark places. I can never hide from him.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Psalm 139:11-14

 

About Pamela Hodges

My name is Pamela Hodges. I am a writer and an artist. I write to encourage and to bring laughter. I paint cats, draw cartoons and write books for children and grown ups.

You are an artist. Yes, you are. Really.

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Get the FREE illustrated, sort of a comic book, “You Are An Artist.” Believe in yourself and your ability to draw. xo Pamela

  • Janelle

    Pamela, I read this yesterday on my phone, while I was traveling, and I wasn’t able to leave a message. I’m so happy to know from the comments that you found the sun (or it found you) yesterday. I know darkness and dirt. I really, really treasure you, dear Pamela, even thought we’ve not met in person. I think our souls know each other, and your beauty is so, so obvious to me. Love you, fellow writer-sister and sun-seeker.

  • Winnie

    I feel darkness today…I don’t want to even get out of bed. I didn’t eat breakfast until noon, and then I made half of my bed, today is my day off and I can’t seem to crawl out of bed beyond the tears and beyond the darkness, but the verse you posted, I will try to remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and the darkness I feel will not be able to hide His light!!

    • pamelahodges

      Dear Winnie,
      I pray for light today for you. You are loved. God made you special and He loves you very much.
      I crawled out from under the carpet. There is healing in sunshine.
      xo Pamela

    • Janelle

      He loves you, Winnie. So much.

  • Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my. Pamela, you are beautiful. And cute too.

    • Kathleen, that is four “Oh my’s.” I may have the ugly word today, but at least I can still count. The sunshine brought me out from under the carpet today, so did friends and prayer.
      I will take beautiful and the cute. Thank you.

  • La McCoy

    Dark!

    • Yes, it is generally very dark under a carpet. However, I have crawled out from under the carpet and felt sunshine on my face today.

  • Thank you Stacey.
    I will find it. It gets hard to breathe under the carpet.