Can I forgive the man who molested me?

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It has been months since I wrote about trying to find the man who molested me. I left you hanging at the end of a story I wrote called, My mother said, “I will kill Uncle Carl if I see him.”

I wrote a letter to The Chief of Police in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan on July 8th, 1997. I wanted the police to find Carl Schack, the man who had molested me when I was eight. I wanted to press charges, and take the man we called Uncle Carl to court.

A few weeks after I sent the letter to the police department, a police officer called to say they had found him. He had committed suicide.

The police officer asked me, “What do you want to do?”

I said, “Nothing.” I couldn’t take a dead man to court. My purpose in finding him was to stop him from harming other children. He had taken care of that himself.

The police officer called me over 16 years ago. I could have written the story about his death the next day. I didn’t want to tell you he was dead. I didn’t want to tell you he was dead because I didn’t want to admit I was glad.

I am thankful he can’t harm me anymore. I am thankful he killed himself. I am glad his body was harmed.

I don’t want to forgive him.

If he was alive, I would press charges and stand in a court of law and tell my story. I would fly to Canada and try to put him behind bars.

But, he is dead. There will be no trail. I can not tell my story in court.

I carry around a bitterness tree. The tree started out as a small seed. I have nursed the tree, and watered it. But, it is time. It is time for me to stop living in the past. It is time for me to live in the present.

The past is a place for learning from, not living in.
Carolyn S. Hennesy – Domestic Violence Speaker and Author

I want to find where Carl Schack is buried. I want to place flowers on his grave-site and say, “I forgive you.” I want to forgive him so I can cut down my bitterness tree. I want to forgive him so I may move forward.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.^[a]Proverbs 3:5-6a

I wrote a letter to the The Police Chief in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. I asked for a copy of my police report: file #1997-491-79. I am waiting for a reply.

Have you ever forgiven someone? Was it hard to do?

Disclaimer:

These writings refer to Carl Schack, a Canadian man who died in the early 1990’s. Any resemblance to the name or likeness of any other person using the name Carl, Carl Schack, or Uncle Carl, is purely coincidental.